


where feet may fall ( and fear surrounds me )

by smartbuckley



Series: Buddie Codas [12]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Bombing, Evan "Buck" Buckley Has Bad Parents, Fire, Flashbacks, Injury, M/M, Panic Attacks, Speculation, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:07:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29073045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: Buck hates himself for breaking down like this, especially at work, but he’s in Eddie’s arms and he feels safe - safe in a way that only Eddie can provide. He’s thankful though, that the locker room door was closed and the windows are frosted because -- he really didn’t want anyone to see him like this.Post 4.02 fanfiction, so spoilers. 4.03, 4.04 and 4.05 speculation, so even more spoilers.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Buddie Codas [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1527032
Comments: 25
Kudos: 338
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	where feet may fall ( and fear surrounds me )

**Author's Note:**

> Woweeeeeeeeee. I've been writing this since 4.02 aired because of reasons. Based off of all of the promos that have aired..... I have a feeling I'm going to be right about a lot of things. That being said, a lot of this is speculation, and some of it is something I actually don't see playing out the way I wrote it. I just really wanted to post this.
> 
> I didn't use trigger warnings for this story, because there isn't any I don't think - nothing too serious, at least, other than insecurities and such. And I also really wanted this story to be a punch in the gut of feelings and full of surprise.
> 
> Anything that looks like " _Statement here_ ," comes directly from the promos we've seen.
> 
> While reading this story, I highly suggest you listen to the following:
> 
> 1\. Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) - Hillsong UNITED  
> 2\. Earthbound - Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross (SOUL Soundtrack)  
> 3\. Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi  
> 4\. Experience - Ludovico Einaudi  
> 5\. Faith Hope Love - Starsailor  
> 6\. Paris - Else  
> 7\. Can You Feel My Heart - Bring me the Horizon  
> 8\. Arcade - Duncan Laurence  
> 9\. Train Wreck - James Arthur  
> 10\. Evolve - Phoria  
> 

Hearing the ping of his phone alerting him to an outstanding appointment, Buck quickly took his phone out from his pocket and swiped the notification away, saying something inconsequential to Albert, Chim and his sister before heading towards the stairs so he could go to his room and have his appointment. Grabbing his tablet from where it was sitting, Buck hurriedly sat on his bed and, with a quick sigh, accepted the call that was coming through.

“ _ Good morning Evan, how are you _ ?” He hears, and the awkwardness that fills his body is immediate, his hand tensing just slightly as he holds onto the tablet and flashes a smile that’s not completely sincere. It’s only been a few sessions with the doctor, and while he has enjoyed them, he’s still -- he’s still not used to talking to someone about what he’s feeling, what he’s going through - especially someone he doesn’t exactly know very well, he thinks briefly.

“ _ Hey Dr. Copeland. I’m doing good. I’ve actually been thinking _ \---” Buck begins, moving his free hand to hold the tablet completely. His heart is pounding inside of his chest as he remembers the thoughts that have been going through his mind since their last session, and remembers how Dr. Copeland had told him that opening up could be very good for him - could help him in a lot of different ways.

“ _ \---a lot about what you said in our last session and how I hide my true feelings from others. I’m starting to think you might be right _ .” He finishes, looking down at his lap briefly as a flurry of insecurities rush through his system. He didn’t really realize how right Dr. Copeland was at first, and it wasn’t until he was telling Chim that he was alright with Albert moving in with him for the time being that Buck  _ did  _ realize it, because if anything, Buck just missed having his home to himself - no matter how often he felt lonely, coming home to an empty home pre-pandemic days -- now, he really felt over-crowded.

And that wasn’t -- it wasn’t even the first moment he could think of, where he hid his emotions from everyone. There was the bombing, how he was essentially alone in the hospital, how he had felt abandoned when he woke up and didn’t see anyone by his side. Then there were the blood clots, and being forced to stay home and not spend time with those he considered family -- and how it felt like they just didn’t care about how he was feeling.

And then the tsunami, and how he still gets nightmares and freezes up when he’s around large bodies of water; the fact that he was able to his job today with the mudslide surprised him in so many ways, and he couldn’t help but wonder if that was thanks to Dr. Copeland. Then there was the situation with the lawyer - something he’s growing to not regret because even though the consequences were regretful, Buck grew from that, and he can’t regret that.

Not anymore.

And then there was the early days of the pandemic, when he was happiest, and in love, and had fucked that up first chance he got.

“--- That’s good to hear, Evan. Can I ask what brought on the realization that you think I may be right?” Dr. Copeland asks and Buck raises his eyes from looking at his feet to look at her, a soft sigh escaping from him as he opens and closes his mouth a few times, trying to figure out how to respond.

“Uh, Chimney moved out to be back with my sister. Which is great news,” Buck begins, moving his hand briefly to rub at his mouth before letting out another sight and continuing, “And I was super excited to have my place back to myself, but then Chimney asked if I could let Albert, his brother, move in, and I said yes. Even though ---”

“You were just excited to have your home back to yourself?” Dr. Copeland finishes, her voice displaying a node of understanding the Buck finds himself needing in the moment. He nods, clearing his throat briefly as he looks over the railing of his room to see Albert still talking to their siblings on the tablet.

“Exactly. And I know we talked about being able to open up more, to say what I’m feeling in the moment I’m feeling it, especially after the conversation about Eddie, but ---”

“You don’t have to force yourself, Evan. That’s never the point of these sessions, alright?” Dr. Copeland says, voice soft, and Buck finds himself nodding, biting on his lower lip as he looks away before looking back at the woman through the screen when he hears her hum.

“Is there someone in your life that you’re comfortable with talking to, especially in regards to your feelings?” Dr. Copeland asks and Buck finds himself blinking, looking back down towards where Albert is, Maddie’s image on the screen as a soft smile forms on his face before he looks towards the doctor once more, nodding his head. There’s always Maddie, he thinks, his smile widening just a little bit.

“There’s a couple of people, yeah,” Buck says, his mind suddenly turning away from Maddie and imagining Eddie, his heart beating fast and hard inside of his chest, causing him to take a gulp. Eddie -- Eddie, his best friend, who he has feelings for. Who he can talk to with just about anything, except his feelings for him. Not because he hasn’t tried, because he has. But it’s something else he’s messed up, and --

“That’s good then, Evan. Alright, my first suggestion is to just try opening up to that one person you have that you feel comfortable talking to in the moment. And then slowly, eventually, try opening up to more and more people in the moment, alright?” Dr. Copeland suggests and Buck pauses before he nods, grinning.

“I can do that, yeah,” he says, a small laugh escaping from him as he imagines telling Maddie more about how he’s feeling, and then maybe, eventually, Eddie. Especially Eddie, he thinks, if it means getting them back on track.

“Good, good. I’ll talk to you next week and don’t forget, if anything happens, you can always call or text me alright?” Buck nods, before saying goodbye and signing off the call, the small huff of breath escaping from him as he tries to think about what he could tell Maddie - even if it’s not in the moment just yet, he can always prepare himself, he thinks, gently tossing the tablet onto his bed before heading downstairs, making sure to grab his phone on the way down.

* * *

A few days later, they’re sitting around in the fire station, wasting time as they wait for a call when they suddenly get one. It has Buck’s heart beating fast, energy coursing through him as he goes through the motions of getting ready to get in the truck before he’s suddenly stopped by Bobby yelling out his last name, alongside Eddie’s and Hen’s. 

Feeling slightly confused, Buck finds himself sharing a look with Eddie before turning towards the captain, his arms folded in front of him, body curling inwards, feeling like he’s done something wrong. He knows he hasn’t, but he can’t stop the feeling coursing throughout his body, and it isn’t until he feels Eddie’s hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently that he takes a deep breath to calm down, smiling gratefully at his -- friend -- before turning back towards Bobby.

“What’s going on, Cap?” Hen asks and Buck finds himself frowning as he hears Bobby talk about how the three of them are going to Texas to help put out a spread of wildfires that have appeared.

“Just the three of us, Cap?” Eddie asks, frowning as Bobby nods. Buck knows that Eddie is thinking about what to do with Chris - it’s hard enough to find care for the little man on a normal day but now they’re going to be gone…. Probably three days at most, Buck thinks, since he knows driving to Texas is at least twenty hours each way.

“Get back here in forty minutes. Go home, pack a bag, say goodbye to the kids,” Bobby says with a small smile as Hen and Eddie nod. Buck finds himself turning towards the firetruck briefly, shocked and surprised as he takes another deep breath. 

“ _ Don’t you think it’s going to be weird? Fighting fires with other departments _ ?” Buck finds himself asking Eddie, voice strong, because for the first time, Buck finds himself confident in sharing his thoughts with Eddie, especially about his own insecurities. And fighting fires without Eddie watching his back? A big insecurity, he thinks. Looking at Eddie, he’s not surprised to see Eddie looking back at him, his eyes narrowed a little in thought.

“It’ll be fun. I’ve never been to Texas,” Hen interrupts, both men turning towards her. Buck arches his eyebrows at her response before letting out a soft snort, shaking his head. 

“Oh, you’ll find it fascinating,” Buck chuckles, tensing briefly when both Hen and Eddie look towards him in confusion.

“You’ve been to Texas?” Eddie asks with a tilt of his head and Buck can feel himself turning red, his hand coming up to run his fingers through his hair before stopping himself from completing the motion, knowing it’s a nervous tactic he’s relied on too much in the past in order to stop himself from answering something honestly.

“Ah, yeah. Back when I was younger, still travelling the world. Before I was a bartender in South America, I was a ranch hand in Texas,” Buck replies, smiling softly before frowning… “I’m pretty sure I have photos of me and a cowboy hat in Texas somewhere,” he adds before humming, “Or maybe it’s photos of me as a ranch hand in Montana? Or were those from my modelling gig? I don’t know, I just know I have ---” Buck pauses here, eyes widening when he sees Hen and Eddie continuing to look at him with surprise on their faces.

“What?” He asks, clearing his throat, cheeks still a faint red as Eddie grins at him and Hen smirks.

“A ranch hand?” Hen asks, and Buck can’t stop the groan from escaping from him as he shakes his head and takes a few steps forward.

“Modelling?” Eddie adds a small smirk on his face just as he does so.

“Go home. Say goodbye to the kids. I’ll meet you guys back here in a bit,” Buck teases, ignoring the question before hands on his wrist stop him.

“Come to my place after you’re done packing? You should get to say bye to Chris too,” Eddie says and Buck can’t stop the wild grin from forming on his face as he nods, Eddie squeezing his wrist before letting go, Hen smirking as she chuckles and walks away.

* * *

“Bucky!” Buck hears and he lets out a grin, adjusting the mask on his face as he kneels down to Chris’ height, unable to stop the small pang hitting his heart as he sees how big Chris has gotten, the braces that adore his teeth now. The little man is growing up, and Buck hates how he hasn’t been able to see it happen the moment it happens. Especially because if he hadn’t been stupid, if he hadn’t been afraid, he would be able to see Chris without a mask on. But, Buck thinks, at least he can see Chris period, Buck waving to Chris as he does so.

“Are you and Daddy gonna have - have each other’s backs?” Chris asks and Buck grins, looking up at Eddie, not surprised to see the other man grinning in response.

“Definitely, superman. You know I wouldn’t let anything happen to him,” Buck replies after a few minutes, shifting as Chris nods and then looks down with a frown.

“I miss you Buck,” Chris says and Buck swears his entire body melts at those words. He knows exactly how Chris feels, misses spending time with the little man like he misses air - like they’re family, and --

“I miss you too, Chris. But just think, relatively soon I’m sure we’ll be able to get together and spend time together. Your Dad and I - We just gotta always protect you, you know that right buddy? We have your best interests at heart, no matter how much it hurts,” Buck ends up saying, looking towards Eddie briefly once more, not surprised to find Eddie looking at him with wide eyes, eyes that look wet with tears. Eddie nods, and Buck finds himself letting out a breath, looking back towards Chris.

“Promise?” Chris says and Buck finds himself humming, stepping forward, the urge to hug Chris high before he steps back and sighs, closing his eyes briefly.

“Promise,” Buck says before Eddie squeezes his shoulder and hugs Chris himself. Buck wants to imagine Eddie is hugging Chris extra tight for him, and by the way Eddie looks over at Buck during the hug -- he’s hopeful that’s what going on before they eventually get into Buck’s car and drive off to the station, Eddie leaving his car at home.

* * *

Entering the station once more, Buck and Eddie quickly say goodbye to everyone, Chim telling Buck he’ll let Maddie know what’s going on while Buck nods with a grin. With Hen in the driver's seat, Eddie in the middle and Buck taking up the end of the front, the three of them wave goodbye before they begin to make their way towards Texas.

The hours go by slowly for Buck, especially as the three of them take turns driving so no one gets too exhausted. Driving, and napping, and eating the snacks Buck brought with him, admittedly. At one point, Buck is driving the truck slowly through the winding highway, Eddie asleep on his shoulder and Hen asleep on the window of the door, and Buck ---

Buck finds himself completely at peace. 

A couple of hours later, Hen and Eddie are awake and they’re making another switch. Buck finds himself exhausted, wonders if maybe he should suggest that they stop for the night but Hen is holding onto the steering wheel tightly, and Eddie -- Eddie is looking at Buck like there’s something going through his mind that Buck doesn’t really want to know about, so he remains quiet instead, and looks at the time on his phone, blinking when he realizes it’s close to Chris’ bedtime.

“He’s going to be calling soon,” Eddie whispers as the sun sets, and Buck hums, shifting in the seat a little to angle his body towards Eddie’s, watching as Eddie removes his own phone with a tired yawn.

“I miss our bedtime routine,” Buck whispers, looking at Eddie’s phone, missing it when Eddie nods though he can feel the movement against his own arms. They would always call Chris together, when Eddie was staying with Buck - read him a bedtime story, watch as he fell asleep before Carla said goodnight.

But when Eddie left --- well, things changed. And Buck missed reading to Chris, that was for sure.

“He misses hearing your voice at night,” Eddie whispers and Buck finds himself humming, turning to look at Eddie with wide eyes. He opens and closes his mouth, about to turn away and stay quiet before he frowns, remembering what Dr. Copeland had suggested.

He always thought he would open up to Maddie before Eddie but -- this was about a different topic. A topic Eddie could help with, in a way. So surely it wouldn’t be  _ too _ bad if he ---

“Buck?” Eddie asks and Buck blinks, looks back towards Eddie with a small quirk of his upper lip before he shrugs.

“I miss talking to him at night.” Buck says, taking a deep inhale and holding it for a few minutes. “I miss --” Buck pauses here, looks at Hen and notices the way she looks at him out of the corner of her eyes. This is awkward, Buck thinks, and he notices it the moment Eddie catches on, because Eddie is looking between the two of them, a faint reddish hue to his cheeks before he lets out his own breath.

“I miss you too, Buck,” Eddie whispers and Buck looks away from Hen, and the embarrassment that was crawling up his neck at the fact that she was even here for this conversation, even though he knows she would respect them enough to not share it with anyone.

“I’m sorry I pulled away after I returned home,” Eddie adds and Buck finds his eyes widening and his mouth dropping open in surprise before he ends up snapping it close and smiling softly, shrugging.

“It… It hurt at first. But I understand why you did -- I mean…I’m the one --” Buck begins before pausing and taking a deep breath for himself, fiddling with one of the buttons on his jacket, looking away from Eddie briefly.

“Yeah, no, I --” Eddie begins, only to stop when his phone interrupts, the ringtone loud and obvious. Buck finds himself relaxing when he realizes it’s Chris, lets Eddie answer with a smile and a second shrug, getting lost in his thoughts and ignoring the way Hen looks at him with a sad smile, ignores the emotions welling up inside of him, even as Eddie turns the phone towards him and he has to put on a smile so he can say goodnight to Chris -- a smile that, while it started slightly strained, becomes more and more true to Buck as a human - a smile that’s filled with love and happiness for Chris.

* * *

By the time they arrive in Austin, they’re exhausted. Buck had been sleeping the last portion, and Hen wakes him up as she opens the door, calling out his name while she does. He wipes the drool off the window, cringing slightly - it’s a bad habit, one he only does when he’s stressed and not sleeping well, and then he has to blink the tiredness away from his body, has to do a few stretches while he steps out of the truck and looks up ahead, noticing the flames and ash and cringing slightly.

“ _ What’s up with the air? _ ” He asks, continuing to stretch before he turns towards Hen.

“ _ Wildfire, remember? That’s why we’re here _ .”

“ _ I mean the way it feels. Like we’re slapped with a wet towel, _ ” Buck says, turning slowly as he notices Eddie, and how good he looks.

_ “It’s called humidity. Welcome to Texas, Buck, _ ” Eddie teases and Buck can’t help but give the man a look, like he’s never been here, like Texas isn’t huge. But then --

Everything is go go go, and no one is stopping. There’s an energy in the air that has Buck beginning to move nervously, his leg jumping and shaking until Eddie places his hand on his shoulder, instantly calming him down, and Buck wishes, briefly, that they were here for non work related reasons.

He shakes the thoughts away though, focuses on his surroundings with a small sigh.

Buck has no idea, he thinks briefly, how he’s going to handle fighting fires with a department that doesn’t understand him and his energy. At least Hen and Eddie are here with him and at least Eddie has his back.

It takes a few minutes for the three of them to figure out where it is they’re supposed to go, who it is they need to find. And it only takes a few minutes because of how organized the central command center is, Buck thinks to himself with a small smile, taking in everything as he follows Eddie and Hen to the captain they’re filling in with.

The next little while goes by quickly for Buck - he finds himself listening to Captain Strand and taking everything in and then they’re meeting the 126 and Buck can’t focus on what the Captain is saying because of the woman in a Hijab, and how  _ familiar  _ she looks to him.

“ _ Buck? Seriously? Please don’t make me report you to HR _ ,” Hen begs and Buck begins stuttering, shaking his head, looking around for Eddie.

“ _ No, no I swear I know her from somewhere. It’s killing me, _ ” He says, frowning until Captain Strand speaks up again.

“Alright, this is Judd, Paul, Mateo, Marjan and TK,” Captain Strand begins, looking at everyone with a critical eye that has Buck feeling…. Off-centered.

“Guys, this is Buck, Hen, and Ed---”

“Hey there Hollywood!” Judd interrupts and Buck finds himself blinking, confused, before he looks towards Eddie and the way the man is grinning, moving forward and --

Oh. Huh. Looks like Eddie and Judd know each other already, Buck thinks to himself, looking at Hen briefly, ignoring the way she smirks at his reaction, rolling his eyes. He can feel the scowl on his face though he tries to relax his muscles, which isn’t an easy feat when his hands are clenched into fists inside the pockets of his jacket.

“Judd, hey! Long time, man,” Buck hears and he finds himself shifting forward, frowning and scowling.

“How’s Grace?” Eddie asks and Buck is blinking, looking towards this Judd with an arched eyebrow, something in him relaxing immediately when Judd gets this wide ass grin on his face, his eyes shining with what Buck sees everyday in Chim and Bobby and if Buck was being honest, himself, when he looked into the mirror after spending time with Eddie.

“She’s amazing. As always. I’m sure we’ll get a moment and you can say hello to her. How’s Chris?” Judd asks and Buck finds himself grinning as Eddie goes off about Chris, turning towards Hen, smirking when he sees her smiling back at him.

“You’ve got it bad, Buckley,” Hen chuckles, and instead of ignoring the statement like he normally would, Buck finds himself humming.

“Of course I do. I’m pretty sure you would too, if you were into men,” he says before stepping forward.

“Buck,” he interrupts, nudging Eddie lightly with a grin, ignoring the way Eddie rolls his eyes and then slaps his shoulder, squeezing it lightly, Hen making her introductions in the same breath.

“I’ve heard about you. Eddie talks about you a lot when he texts or calls,” Judd says and Buck finds himself grinning, especially when he notices Eddie groan and turn a shade of red.

“Yeah well, I’m sure my family would say the same if they were here,” Buck replies with a snort, shrugging his shoulders. Before he can say anything else though, this woman is stepping forward with wide eyes, and Buck is pretty sure Captain Strand called her Marjan, and he’s grinning up at her.

“You’re that guy, right?” She asks, and Buck finds himself frowning a little, biting the inside of his cheek. Usually when someone asks him if he’s ‘that guy’, it’s about the bombing incident, and that’s not really something he wants to remember right now.

“Uh, depends? What guy are you talking about?” Buck asks, feeling Eddie tense up next to him and Hen pause in talking to Paul about something, eyes all on him.

“You’re the guy that tried to save that one guy on the Ferris wheel? And then a ladder truck landed on you during a bombing, and everyone moved to get it off you--” Buck tenses here, and he’s thankful that Eddie’s pressed against his side, because it’s probably the one thing that has him not about to go into a panic attack.

“Marjan..” he hears, but she’s still talking, eyes wide.

“And then you also saved a bunch of people in the tsunami a while back right? That was bad ass, man,” Marjan says with a grin and Buck finds himself blinking before chuckling, realizing he recognizes the woman from the online world himself.

“Yep, that’s me. But I’m not the only famous one here, it seems,” he says with a small smirk, pressing back into Eddie’s hand at the base of his spine.

“You were pretty bad ass yourself, if I recall,” he adds, letting out a small breath as the conversation moves forward. Briefly, Buck looks back towards Eddie and smiles at him, whispering a quiet thanks as Eddie nods, moving his hand away and squeezing his wrist as he passes by.

Buck misses the heat of Eddie’s hand against his spine already.

“Alright, teams for the time being - Wilson with me, Judd and Mateo, Diaz and Marjan, Buckley and TK,” Captain Strand says and Buck can feel his eyes widen, his heart begin to pace and his mouth drop open.

“Any problems?” He asks and Buck is screaming inwardly as loud as he can because  _ yes _ , he thinks,  _ yes there’s a problem _ . This is exactly what Dr. Copeland meant, he realizes with his heart pounding inside of his chest. He hides his true feelings away with one look because of course -- With one look towards Eddie, he finds himself frowning even harder because Eddie is shaking his head and walking away and --

How is he supposed to trust anyone to have Eddie’s back the way --

“Eds…” Buck begins with a frown, ignoring the way everyone pauses to look at him, the way Hen looks at him with sad eyes before whispering something to the Captain, who only looks a little confused back at her.

“You’ll do fine, Buck. You’re a great firefighter,” Eddie says and Buck finds himself scowling.

“I have no doubts about that Eddie. But I’m not going to be there to watch your back!” Buck replies, teeth snapping a little. He can see Eddie pause, take a moment, can see his eyes widen and something settles in Eddie’s gut, like he’s realizing the same thing for Buck. Eddie frowns and Buck hums softly before Eddie nods.

“Then we’ll just have to make sure to not do anything stupid to the point where our backs need watching alright?” Eddie says, squeezing Buck’s shoulder and then turning around and walking away, missing the scowl on Buck’s face as he does so.

“What, don't you want to work with me?” TK says and Buck turns towards him with a frown, a small huff of breath escaping from him as he shakes his head.

* * *

They’re walking in the forest, calling out for people and putting out as many fires as they can, remaining pretty quiet as they do so. Things are tense and awkward and Buck guesses it’s because of TK thinking Buck doesn’t want to work with him.

Buck doesn’t know how to clear the situation up otherwise, so he stays quiet, something he knows Dr. Copeland wouldn’t want him to do at all. But he’s with a whole new team, and there’s nothing familiar in his surroundings, so he feels completely stuck, in a way he’s not too proud of at the moment.

“It’s not that I don’t have interest in working with you. I do. It’s just -- Eddie and I know each other. We have each other’s backs, you know?” Buck says after a few minutes, and he can tell TK is looking at him with narrowed eyes, can feel the gaze on his spine like a snake slithering down it, ready for a strike.

“I didn’t think LA was different enough to allow married couples to work together,” TK says after a few minutes from ahead, and Buck finds himself stuttering, freezing and gasping all in one go, eyes widening in surprise as TK turns around to look at him, clearly confused.

“We’re not. As much as I would love --” Buck pauses here closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before opening his eyes and exhaling, letting out a small chuckle.

“We’re only best friends, but --”

“You would want it to be something more,” TK says in a tone that makes Buck buckle, because of how understanding it is. He nods instead though, takes a step forward but continues to frown.

“There was a moment - when we were living together during the early times of the pandemic that I thought --” Buck begins before shaking his head. He knows it’s not best to dwell on that moment, no matter how much he wants to. Knows that it might be the moment that set everything in motion for Buck - from realizing his feelings to realizing he needed someone to talk to but --

Eddie didn’t -- Eddie couldn’t.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright,” TK says, kneeling in front of him and Buck wonders when the hell he fell to his knees, when he started being unable to breath before he lets out a sardonic chuckle and shakes his head, falling to his ass and resting his elbows on his knees, holding his head in his hands.

“There was a moment, probably a week before he suddenly could go home, that I thought we were going to kiss. It was just us, and things had been good, and one moment we’re having fun on my couch and the next moment, he’s got me pinned and he’s staring at me and I’m so damn positive we’re going to kiss. We’re both moving closer and then --”

“He got scared?” TK whispers and Buck snorts, nodding his head before letting out a huff of breath.

“But so did I. And we had talked about dating, before the pandemic. And he had been about to kiss me, and had whispered -- he asked if I wanted to move in and -- I’ve always known I’ve been bisexual but the way I grew up? The way my parents hated anything different or --” Buck frowns here, shaking his head and rubbing at his chest, doing his best to not think about his parents. They weren’t important, they hadn’t been important to him for years.

Just like he hadn’t been important to them, he thinks, blinking away tears. Wiping at his face, Buck lets out another chuckle, opening his mouth about to say something when a loud noise from above them is heard, and he finds himself staring, wide eyed, as a helicopter comes down.

“Wasn’t that….”

“Yes,” TK says before running.

“DAD!” Buck hears and he has to blink before he follows TK to the unknowns, knowing that this kid is going to worry about Captain Strand no matter how much he tries to stop him from continuing onwards.

* * *

“This is insane,” Buck says with a frown, grabbing one of the flashlights from his bag while looking at TK.

“It’s my Dad,” TK says with a shrug of his shoulders and while Buck can’t really understand personally, he kind of can, because if it was Eddie ---

And it’s Hen. Hen, who is like a second sister to him. 

“This is insane, but I’m not going to stop you.” Buck says after a moment, biting the inside of his cheek, ignoring how TK grins at him.

“I’m also going to go with you because someone needs to have your back,” Buck says with a shrug of his shoulders, throwing TK one of the spare flashlights from his bag, chuckling when TK nods.

They’re careful in making sure not to be spotted as they move around the fire trucks blocking their paths - Buck knows it’s because if they’re caught doing this, especially after Judd had radioed out for everyone to stay put, to keep their designated spot where they were --

Well, he was always reckless.

The two of them continue to make their way to where they think the helicopter crashed but before long, there’s a beam of light in both of their faces and Buck can’t help but immediately cringe backwards, turning around and then groaning when he spots Eddie glaring at him before coming up from behind him with a huff of breath.

“Are you insane?” Judd snaps and Buck finds himself blinking, eyes narrowing as a light shines in his eyes and he takes a step back. He can see Paul in front of him and he’s pretty sure Mateo is next to Eddie, and right now, he’s not in the mood to be yelled at over doing something to get his family back.

“No. I’m just doing everything I can to get my family back. And TK’s!” Buck replies, crossing his arms in front of his chest, ignoring the way Judd scowls and moves to stand in front of him. He can feel Eddie follow, but he ignores Eddie for a moment and stands at his full height against Judd. They’re relatively the same height, which is something Buck would normally appreciate but right now, as he glares at the other man, he has to exercise so much control against throwing his body into the other man and ---

“Okay, how about we all take a breather here, and figure out a plan for the morning?” Paul suggests. Buck doesn’t say anything though, continues to glare at Judd before eventually, they both step away from one another with Judd turning around completely and walking away. Buck can’t help the scowl that forms on his face as he does so, though he flinches when the light from Paul’s flashlight lands on him.

“Take care of your boy, man,” Paul says towards Eddie before walking away himself, grabbing TK as he does so with Mateo and Marjan following. Buck realizes shortly after that Eddie is - disappointed, Buck thinks, though he can feel Eddie’s disappointment radiating off of him in waves instead of seeing it.

Buck doesn’t need to see it to know it’s there. With a frown, he lets out a small huff of breath before turning around and heading towards where they’re meant to be sleeping, where tents had been set up by the Captain before ---

Taking another deep breath, Buck finds himself in the tent, sitting on the sleeping bag and curling up into himself as Eddie follows through the door a moment later, still scowling though not nearly as bad as he was when he first found Buck and TK.

“How the hell am I supposed to watch your back when you do something without telling me?” Eddie whispers a few minutes later and Buck looks up at him with a frown and a soft sigh, shrugging his shoulders.

“You know me - reckless and idiotic and --”

“Buck, no. Stop. I don’t care that you went out there to do something you were told not to do - well, no. I do care, because I always care,” Eddie begins and then ends, shaking his head roughly and running one of his hands through his hair as he paces in front of Buck. Buck watches, because he can’t stop watching, no matter how much he knows he should, and he feels so confused as to what’s going on in Eddie’s mind that for once, he doesn’t say anything, just lets his friend work out the kinks of his thoughts. After a few minutes, Eddie sits down next to him, arms resting on his knees and he continues.

“I care because you didn’t tell me. What if you had gotten hurt? What if we had to find you like we do Hen? You had asked me earlier, who would have my back if we were split up and Buck -- I don’t think you realize just how much I wondered the exact same thing for you. I always have your back, Buck. And in order to do so, I need to know what’s going through your mind,” Eddie finishes and Buck blinks, wonders what Eddie means exactly before he looks down and realizes that the two of them are practically aligned perfectly, their sides touching - the heat from Eddie’s body warming Buck up. 

Looking back up at Eddie, Buck finds himself blinking once more because of the intensity in his best friends stare - Buck gulps, because he remembers the last time Eddie looked at him with that kind of intensity, remembers how he had the couch under him and ---

“I forgot that it was a two way street,” Buck responds after a couple of minutes, clearing his throat and looking away, cheeks turning red. He does his best to calm himself down before looking back at Eddie, does his best to not frown when he realizes Eddie has moved a little bit away from the original spot.

Not far enough that one would notice, but far enough for Buck to notice, he thinks before he lies down on the sleeping bag.

“Try to sleep, okay?” Eddie whispers and Buck nods, ignoring the catch in Eddie’s throat as he says good night and then gets up and into his own tent. Buck moves after a few minutes, getting under the sleeping bag before eventually, falling asleep.

* * *

The next morning, Buck is up early - earlier than he would want to be after the late night. He wakes up groggy and in need of water, so that’s the first thing he sets for - jumping back in surprise when he opens the flap to his tent and sees Eddie in front of it with a water bottle.

God he loves that man.

Buck blinks, grins at Eddie the best he can for it being so early in the morning before taking the bottle and heading towards -- wherever it is. Eddie is following him though and he knows that if he’s going somewhere he shouldn’t be, or the wrong way, Eddie will steer him clear of it.

“So, we’ve come up with a plan to find Captain Strand and Hen while you and TK were sleeping,” Eddie says and Buck turns towards Eddie briefly before turning towards TK, who is also just coming out of a tent.

“It’s a good plan. It’s one where we search and we talk and --” Buck snorts, nudging Eddie briefly when he realizes his friend is teasing him, eyes narrowing briefly before ---

“Is that a little bit of a Texas twang I’m hearing, Eds?” Buck says with a chuckle before, “It wasn’t my idea last night, man. But I know it very well could’ve been, and someone needed to watch that kid’s back,” Buck ends up saying after taking a few swigs of water from the bottle.

“That kid is your age, practically,” Eddie jokes, arching one of his eyebrows while Buck shrugs. Maybe so but that kid and he - they’re a lot alike and different in many ways, Buck thinks. And right now --- right now TK is just that kid, because Buck doesn’t want to get any closer and doesn’t want to lose anyone else.

“I get it,” Eddie whispers after a few minutes, before the two completely make their way to where the 126 is, and the plan is laid out.

* * *

TK and Buck are teamed up again, driving one of the fire trucks, with Eddie and Marjan a little ways away, driving a golf cart, hilariously enough. They’re driving slowly, looking for signs of the helicopter crash - smoke, debris, you name it.

The longer they search though, the less hope Buck has, something he doesn’t exactly want to admit to in front of TK. Not with his Dad out there. By the time the sun is high up in the sky, Buck is sweating between the clothes he’s wearing and the gear he has on, even though it’s not really a lot. 

By the time the sun is higher up in the sky, Buck has no hope - until he sees some smoke in the distance, and his eyes immediately widen while he nudges TK to stop driving, and sprints out of the truck fast. Buck isn’t surprised when he sees TK jump out of the truck, nor when TK begins running past him.

Buck knows he would be doing the same if it was Eddie or Maddie, so he lets TK have this, and when Buck hears TK scream for his Dad and run even quicker -- Buck can’t stop himself from screaming for Hen, especially when he realizes he can see them.

* * *

Thankfully no one is hurt, though TK is extra careful around his Dad. They managed to put out the fires, and they’re now at the 126 station, taking quick showers and having a meal before they set out to go home -- Buck would have suggested they spend the night, go to a bar and maybe do some line dancing, but he knows how badly Eddie wants to get home to Chris, and Hen wants to get home to Karen and the kids.

Looking towards the table, Buck’s not surprised to see Eddie and Marjan talking about something, laughing, huddled close with Eddie’s phone in between them. Something stirs inside the pit of his stomach, something he doesn’t exactly want to think about but he can’t look away from watching, can’t look away from disaster for him if --

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about with that,” Buck hears, turning towards his side and seeing TK standing next to him. He frowns slightly, looking back at Eddie before turning towards TK, a small smile forming.

“Why do you think that?” Buck finds himself asking, missing the look Eddie gives him, the way Eddie frowns as he notices who Buck is talking to.

“Because there are things you don’t see Buck. Things you’re too close to see. But let me tell you - Eddie? He’s gone for you.” TK says and Buck turns towards Eddie once more, meeting the man's eyes and blinking, another smile forming on his face.

“I hope so” Buck whispers, turning towards TK briefly. “Thanks,” he adds.

“Alright 118, we gotta hit the road,” Hen says and Eddie and Buck both end up together, saying goodbye to everyone before Eddie takes the driver’s seat and Buck takes the middle so Hen can rest some more.

She might not be super injured but she still deserves a rest, Buck thinks as they wave goodbye to everyone and then slowly head back to LA.

* * *

By the time Buck makes it home, he’s exhausted, having driven Eddie home from the department. All he wants is to go to bed, especially before his next shift is supposed to start, but he finds himself blinking when he notices his sister in front of the door to his apartment. She’s nervous - he can tell that instantly, though he doesn’t quite understand why.

“Mads?” Buck asks, stifling a yawn as Maddie looks up at him, eyes wide and watery. Instantly, Buck freezes before he drops his small bag that he had taken with him just in case, arms wrapping around his sister, pandemic be damned for this one moment. The hug doesn’t last long though, because even if he’s thinking pandemic be damned, he doesn’t want to risk his niece or nephew and his sister.

“What’s wrong?” Buck asks, grabbing his bag and unlocking his door, ushering Maddie inside quickly. He takes a quick look around, thankful that Albert doesn’t seem to be over but annoyed at the mess he can easily spot, a scowl on his face before he turns back to Maddie, smiling before going to the kitchen and cleaning up as he waits for his sister to talk about what’s bugging her.

She opens and closes her mouth a few times, fiddles with her fingers in front of her and Buck can’t help but chuckle quietly to himself, recognizing the movements as some of his own when he is also nervous, though he usually shakes his legs instead of moving his fingers.

“Maddie, what’s going on?” Buck asks after a few minutes of watching his sister stay silent and fiddle. It’s so unlike her that Buck finds himself worrying for a minute, chewing the inside of his cheek.

“Is Baby Buckley alright?” He asks, looking at her as best as he can and frowning when there’s no outward signs of any distress with the baby. When Maddie shakes her head and takes a deep breath, he can’t help but begin to feel a little weary. If there’s nothing wrong with the baby, then this is something about Maddie, and --

“Mads, what --”

“Our parents are coming into town,” Maddie says and Buck freezes, his eyes widening. He takes a step back from the counter and then instantly regrets it because he can feel the panic coming on as he does so. His heart is racing and his vision is going blurry, but he can feel Maddie by his side instantly, and he almost lets out a sob as he slowly falls to the floor, his head resting in his hands, which once again, rests on his knees.

His parents are coming into town, he thinks with a small scoff. His parents, who never bothered to look in on him when he was part of a bombing, when he was scared for his life that he wouldn’t be able to do what he loved. Who never came to check on him after the news cast about the tsunami.

His parents, who were never really there for him in general when he was growing up. He always felt like they were missing, and that they didn't’ care about him, and that he was just an accidental afterthought and now --

“Of course they come for your pregnancy,” Buck can’t help but snort with a shake of his head, a tiny amount of resentment coming up through his system at Maddie. He loves his sister, loves her so much, but growing up there was always this small amount of resentment that Maddie got the love and attention of their parents that Buck so desperately craved.

“Buck,” he hears Maddie say, and he can hear the softness in her voice and the regret and he knows he can’t blame her. Taking a deep breath, Buck finds himself looking up at his sister, finds himself looking into her eyes and frowning at the look in them that he doesn’t quite recognize. Before he can push it though, it’s gone, and he blinks away the thoughts, wondering what was on his sister’s mind just then.

“I know I shouldn’t blame you. I know it’s not your fault. It just… hurts,” Buck whispers with a shrug of his shoulders, ignoring the way Maddie squeezes his shoulder instead, like she’s there for support. 

All he wants to do now is call Dr. Copeland, hope for the best in regards to asking for some coping techniques because this… this is out of his wheelhouse.

“I--” Buck begins, before running his fingers through his hair and letting out a frustrated sigh.

“I’m sorry I had to swing this on you now. I just -- they’re coming in a couple of days and I wanted to give you all of the time you possibly needed to adjust,” Maddie whispers and Buck looks over to his sister once more with a nod, frowning.

“It’s probably a good thing you told me now. Makes it easier to talk to my--” Buck pauses here, looking at Maddie and the way she perks up.

“Girlfriend?” She leads with a grin and Buck shakes his head, slightly exasperated. 

“Therapist. I’m speaking to a therapist,” He admits, looking away from Maddie as shame runs through him before looking back, remembering that this was nothing to be ashamed about.

“It’s….”

“Buck,” Maddie whispers before wrapping her arms around him once more and squeezing before quickly separating. Buck lets out a small whine, the touch starvation in him coming out before Maddie squeezes his hand.

“I’m proud of you,” she whispers and Buck nods, taking another breath before he slowly stands up and then helps Maddie up.

“Do you want to stay for … whatever meal this would be?” Buck asks and Maddie laughs, shaking her head.

“I should let you sleep. I just needed to tell you,” she says and Buck nods before walking her out of his apartment and then making his way up to his bed, turning the lights off and crawling under the covers so that he can block the sun from shining through.

* * *

The next couple of days for Buck are tough, but the day his parents are meant to arrive - Buck really wished he had stayed in bed that day. But he hadn’t, and had followed through with the suggestions that Dr. Copeland had advised him of the previous day, once he got around to calling her and asking for suggestions.

When he had gotten to work that day, everything was going fine except he was a little more stressed, a little more tense, and a little more snappish to the people that mattered to him. It wasn’t until he heard Chimney mention to everyone quietly that his parents were coming over tonight that Buck really tried to calm himself down. 

Eventually, he joined everyone on the couch, sitting next to Eddie, who had squeezed his neck quickly before everyone else turned towards him.

“Are you alright?” Hen asked and Buck nodded, opening his mouth to suggest to Eddie that they go work out in the gym downstairs - a new feature that was very lovely - but before he could, the alarm went off, and the group quickly started their routines for a call.

The drive in the trucks was fast, especially as Bobby relayed the information back to them -- until they arrived at the scene and an all too familiar sight of SWAT members was swarming the place.

“Did you uh, maybe forget to mention something, Cap?” Buck asks, his heart pounding inside of his chest as he notices a few members of the bomb squad walk by. He can feel Eddie at his side again, but Buck looks towards Bobby with a frown.

“No,” Bobby replies, his own frown in place before he turns towards the nearest person, another SWAT member, and asks what’s going on.

Buck hears the explanation - that the house is on fire, and that people are trapped, and in the shed and car and possibly the basement of the home, there are explosives. But Buck can’t pay attention, his mind too far into his memories.

He can still feel Eddie by his side but he can barely breathe and it’s just like he was suddenly being told his parents were coming over, or that he was under the firetruck once again, pinned and unable to move.

There’s screaming and darkness, and pain, and Buck doesn’t know, he can’t move, he’s stuck. His leg is trapped and all he wants to do is get out from under the truck but he can’t, and he thinks maybe now is a good time to cry because there’s a guy with a bomb and he’s in front of him, and he can’t --

“Buck,” he hears and he feels hands on his face and he blinks and Eddie is standing in front of him, Bobby off to the side with a frown. He feels frozen in time, and then Buck is gasping, trying to step back but Eddie steps forward with him, his hold on his face loosening until he can move his hands to rest on Buck’s shoulders.

“You’re okay, you’re fine. Bobby has us working outside, nowhere near any bombs, okay?” Eddie whispers and Buck nods, gulping and then licking his lips, eyes taking in his surroundings quickly, flinching slightly when Bobby steps forward and then feeling guilty for it because this isn’t Bobby’s fault.

“Outside is good,” Buck whispers, trying his best to smile a little when he looks up at Bobby. “Thanks, Cap,” he adds, stepping away to rub at his face, feeling like a failure because of course this stopped them from moving, stopped them from doing their job immediately like they should’ve said.

“No, don’t feel guilty,” Eddie whispers and Buck -- Buck shakes his head.

“You sounded like my therapist there for a moment,” Buck snorts, missing the way Eddie frowns.

“You’re seeing a therapist? How come you didn’t tell me?” Eddie asks, and Buck looks up opening his mouth feeling even more guilty.

“No, no, stop feeling guilty. You didn’t have to tell me. Not if you weren’t ready. Frank says that constantly. I just didn’t know you had gone through with it,” Eddie says, Bobby moving slightly as Hen and Chim widen their eyes. Buck doesn’t know when they appeared, but he can’t focus on that, remembering instead, when he had first brought up possibly seeing a therapist to Eddie, back before the pandemic had even started.

“Yeah. Uh a while now,” Buck admits, rubbing at his face. “We should uh, get going,” he says, hoping the attention is no longer on him as Bobby nods and everyone begins to do their jobs.

Slowly, Buck and Eddie make their way around the suspected property line, Buck looking at the car and the shed and the basement windows every few minutes. He feels jittery and like he’s about to jump out of his skin, but having Eddie by his side is helping him.

“I uh, didn’t mean to not tell you. To be honest, I kind of forgot I even mentioned the possibility to you,” Buck admits, looking at Eddie out of the corner of his eyes. They’re both making sure the area is secured, yelling to make sure no one is hiding out and Buck knows it’s because he needs to calm down, and he’s so thankful for it at the moment.

“Buck, hey, it’s okay. I understand,” Eddie replies after a few minutes and Buck finds himself nodding, sneaking a peek at his best friend before letting out a frustrated sigh, stopping suddenly in the middle of the yard. It takes Eddie a few minutes to stop and turn around, walk back to where Buck had stopped, a frown on his face.

“What’s going on?” Eddie asks and Buck has no idea how to put into words just what is going on.

“I just - I can’t handle this today,” Buck whispers, shrugging his shoulders softly. Eddie is frowning at him, and Buck hates it, but he doesn’t find himself surprised at all when Eddie moves to stand next to him, brushing their shoulders together. It’s a simple touch, something they always used to do before the pandemic and Buck has missed it - has missed a lot of things in regards to his relationship with Eddie, admittedly.

“Well, hopefully the call will be done soon, and then --”

“And then we go home, and I have to deal with my damn parents,” Buck replies with a scowl, shaking his head briefly before he begins walking again. It takes a few seconds for Eddie to follow and catch up, and Buck can feel the way Eddie is looking at him.

“You don’t talk about them,” Eddie says and Buck lets out a small sigh, turning towards his best friend briefly before nodding.

“To Maddie they were good parents. To me, they were inconsequential. I was inconsequential. Everything I did was never enough, no matter how hard I tried to be enough,” Buck says with a frown, anger and hurt rushing throughout his system as he remembered all of the pain his parents caused him.

“Maddie did something, and they would praise her, give her love, uplift her. I did something, and they would ignore me or scold me,” Buck adds with a frown before scoffing. “I called them, you know. Every time I was in the hospital, every time I needed them. They never cared enough to answer, call back or even come down. Maddie mentions she’s pregnant, and they immediately make plans to come down and spend time with her, even during the pandemic,” Buck scoffs, shaking his head as his entire body trembles.

He takes a few deep breaths, tries to just forget about it, but he can’t, and it isn’t until Eddie is standing in front of him, arms on his shoulders, that he calms down enough to see the other man frowning, lips moving, though he doesn’t quite know what Eddie is saying until the blood is no longer rushing.

“I’m sorry I brought it up,” Eddie whispers and Buck shakes his head, smiling at his friend.

“Don’t be. I wanted to talk to you about it before the alarm went off anyways. I just ---” Buck says before stopping when he hears shouting coming from one of the cars. Immediately, Buck looks towards Eddie before they both head towards the car, working together to get whoever is trapped inside out, especially when they realize how close the car is to the car with the bomb. Buck does his best to not focus on that though, keeping himself calm and not letting his nerves get to him, al while trying to keep his entire body steady as he finds a way to un-wedge the doors of the car, not quite sure how the person inside got trapped in the first place, but not wanting to ask at the moment either.

Eventually though, Buck and Eddie manage to get the car opened and the person carefully climbs out and Hen and Chim are there, making sure everything is okay with them, and then Bobby, and he’s telling them all to get back and before they can do anything, Buck is flying in the air and landing on the asphalt of the ground with a groan.

* * *

When he opens his eyes, it’s to fire -- and Eddie. Eddie, above him, calling his name, and fire, behind them, being put out by members of another team. He lets out another groan and then carefully sits up with Eddie’s help, his ears ringing.

He feels like he’s going to be black and blue after this, but he takes a quick look around, notices Hen, Bobby and Chimney all in the process of standing themselves and feels something inside of him relax.

“You okay?” Buck asks Eddie, relaxing completely when Eddie nods.

“We were too far from the bomb for any damage, and everyone in the house was out. We got lucky,” Eddie whispers and Buck lets out an exhale of breath, closing his eyes briefly and rubbing at his face, exhaustion settling inside of him.

“C’mon, we should be good to go,” Eddie says, helping Buck up and Buck takes his hand with a grin before they both head over to the others, Buck’s nerves fraying as they get in the truck and head back to the station.

Buck is excited for the end of his shift, excited to be able to go home, get some sleep and more important - talk to Dr. Copeland. 

Because there’s a lot he needs to talk to her about.

* * *

“Good afternoon, Evan. What was it you wanted to talk about?” Dr. Copeland asks, straightforward, something Buck has always appreciated about her since the moment he picked her online to try. He can hear Albert talking in the background to Chim and Maddie for their outstanding Zoom time and he shifts on his bed briefly while he tries to find the words.

“My parents are visiting,” Buck begins, biting the inside of his cheek as Dr. Copeland nods. They’ve talked about his parents briefly, talked about how they make him inadequate and like he doesn’t belong. Dr. Copeland had given him a few tips but now -- now they were going to be visiting, and Buck didn’t know if he could put those tips into practice.

Didn’t know if he was strong enough to do so.

“Well, that can be a good thing, Evan,” Dr. Copeland advises, and Buck finds himself frowning, trying to figure out how it can be a good thing. Dr. Copeland must see the confusion on his face because she lets out a soft chuckle a moment later.

“With your parents visiting, you can try to work on pushing through past the barriers they gave you growing up. You are a confident young man, Evan, and your confidence in yourself has only grown the past few months we’ve been talking.” Dr. Copeland says and Buck finds himself smiling softly as he nods, because her words are incredibly true.

Before he had started therapy, he had so many insecurities in himself - from not being a good brother, firefighter, to even a future uncle. He worried that everyone hated him from the lawsuit, worried he had been wrong, but Dr. Copeland --

She helped him see otherwise.

“It would be nice, to be able to talk to them and --” Buck begins before letting out a soft sigh, shrugging his shoulders.

“There was also a bomb threat on our call today,” Buck adds after a moment. He can see Dr. Copeland as she registers his words, the frown that appears briefly before she becomes neutral, and he’s even more grateful of the woman through the screen. Briefly he hears Chim yelling through Albert’s screen about his Covid Crush and he rolls his eyes briefly.

“I had a panic attack because of it. Eddie was able to help out a lot, but I wasn’t able to try some of the suggestions you had made,” Buck admits, feeling guilty for that. While he never enjoyed having panic attacks, he had been hoping to remember the tips Dr. Copeland had given him for when he did, and realizing he hadn’t --

He didn’t like that feeling.

“It makes me feel guilty, like I didn’t try hard enough,” Buck adds with a frown, shifting a little on the bed to get more comfortable. 

“We all feel guilt, even when we know we have no reason to,” Dr. Copeland begins and Buck moves once more, listening intently while she continues, “But the best thing we can do is remember that there are steps and measures we can take to ease that guilt and to try again in the future. You didn’t succeed this time at remembering the tips and that’s alright, Evan, because there’s always next time.” She finishes and Buck finds himself nodding, biting his lower lip before he lets out a small huff of air.

“Any tips on how to handle my parents and the anger I know will come with their visit?” He asks, and when Dr. Copeland smiles, he can’t help but smile back and grab a piece of paper and pen to write down the tips she gives him this time, next to all of the other tips he’s received.

* * *

The next day, Buck is slowly making his way towards Chimney’s home where Maddie has moved in, Albert by his side. Briefly, he wishes Eddie was here but -- he shakes the thought away, thankful when the door opens and Maddie comes out, immediately opening her arms to him.

The hug is brief, but Buck relaxes completely, separating from her with a small smile.

“I know you’re not --” Maddie begins with a purse of her lips as they head inside, Chimney slapping at his shoulder in hello briefly, before she continues -- “I’m here for you, alright?” Maddie says and Buck nods, though he knows he shouldn’t expect much from his sister.

As much as she loved him, she loved their parents, did just like he did, and they were always cowed by the older Buckley’s --- Buck didn’t know  _ how _ they’d get through the night, but he hoped it didn’t end too badly.

Thankfully, Buck had arrived before their parents, so he allowed himself to take a few minutes to relax, eat some of the food Chimney and Maddie had laid out, knowing that it would be perfect in his parent’s eyes until they realized how much of an ape he was being by eating in the first place.

The moment the doorbell rings though, Buck tenses and takes a calming breath, releasing it as Maddie squeezes his shoulder and Chimney nudges him, smiling softly before they all make their way to the front door, save for Albert, who is standing in the kitchen, clearly unsure of what to do.

Seeing his parents on the other side of the door, Buck immediately wants to run away. His entire body tenses, his spine straightens, and his arms go to his side, exactly like he was taught growing up and he  _ hates _ it, he thinks with a small scowl. He can see Maddie tense up, though she immediately smiles.

“Mom, Dad, hi, welcome!” She says and it takes everything Buck has in regards to his willpower to not scoff and roll his eyes as he and Chim move to the side to allow his parents inside.

“This is my boyfriend, Howard, and his brother Albert is in the kitchen,” Maddie says, and Buck can’t help but frown at the look his parents give the two brothers, frowns on their faces as they hum lightly before looking at one another - a look that Buck hated growing up, a look filled with patronization in it.

Their parents walk into the home and take a look around, and Buck knows they’re judging Chim for everything that they can judge him for, and it just makes him want to punch something, but he doesn’t - instead, he asks if his parents want something to drink and heads towards the kitchen to calm down, ignoring the way Maddie smiles at him or how his parents question why he’s so at home in this place, if he has his own place or if he’s still slumming it and ever going to grow up.

Once his parents have their drinks, he sits down next to Maddie, with Chimney sitting down next to her on her other. The conversation between them is stilted, tense and awkward but Buck does his best to partake in the conversation and act like the mature adult he is, even when Maddie has to squeeze his hands to stop him from over-reacting to something their parents said to rile him up.

Eventually, the conversation slowly moves to Maddie’s pregnancy, and Buck watches, growing more and more frustrated with their parents as they put Maddie down for the pregnancy, for leaving Doug - since they don’t know what really happened there, or ignore what they do know - and essentially make Maddie  _ and  _ Chimney feel bad. Buck hates it, hates seeing Maddie bow her head and begin to fiddle with her hands.

He finds himself grateful for Chimney though, grateful that he’s standing up for Maddie, in ways Doug never did, and their parents, while not too happy with Chimney standing up to them, only purse their lips in response before turning to face Buck, Buck’s heart beginning to rabbit.

“So, Evan,” His mom says and Buck tenses once more, looking towards her before he tries to relax, lean forward on his knees and let out a small breath. “What’s going on in  _ your _ life?” She finishes and Buck finds himself frowning, not quite sure --

“Well there’s work, obviously,” He begins, biting the inside of his cheek once more as he struggles to find out what it is his parents want to know. His parents are watching him with their noses turned up at him, and he hates it - hates how insecure it makes him feel. He takes another deep breath and looks towards his parents biting his lip briefly.

“I’m also seeing a therapist --”

“ _ You’ve been seeing a therapist? _ ” Buck’s Dad interrupts and Buck has to take another deep breath because he can see the tension and judgement in his Dad’s body as he asks, the condescension pouring from his mother, and he can feel Maddie suck back her own breath and look at him out of the corner of her eyes, her head still bowed from earlier.

“ _ Well, the job can be pretty stressfu _ _l_ \- between the bombing and being pinned, then the blood clots and the tsunami --”

“Oh, Evan, don't be absurd,” Buck’s mom says, and Buck finds himself taking another deep breath, Maddie’s hand finding his own and squeezing his fingers, calming him down just a little bit.

“You came out perfectly healthy you really need to stop using those as excuses,” His mom finishes and Buck -- Buck really can’t handle being here anymore. 

“Perfectly healthy?” Buck sputters with a shake of his head and a scoff, standing up briefly before sitting back down and taking another deep breath.

“I had a fire truck pinned to my leg for hours, because of a crazy kid with a bomb, who was willing to kill himself with said bomb, me next to him. I could barely walk when I was eventually saved. And when i was healed from that, I had an embolism due to blood clots, which landed me back in the hospital and then on blood thinners. And if that wasn’t bad enough shortly after that, I was on the goddamn pier when a tsunami hit. I could barely run to save my own life, let alone the life of the kid that belonged to the man I loved,” Buck snaps, narrowing his eyes briefly, not realizing Maddie had gasped and Chimney had whistled.

“And to make all of that even worse, every time I tried to call you, you never answered. I needed my parents, I needed you and you didn’t even give me a second thought,” Buck finishes, eyes watering.

“Oh, Evan, enough with the dramatics. You’re an adult, you need to behave like it,” Buck’s Mom says and Buck lets out a frustrated sob, shaking his head

”I can’t believe you. I’m here, as your son, begging you to notice--”

“Except you're not our son,” Maddie gasps and Buck frowns, not sure what his Dad means by the interruption, “You were a baby we found on a hidden road while we were driving through a storm. We were going to bring you to the nearest adoption agency, orphanage, church, whatever, but because of the storm, we were stuck with raising you. Thank god for Maddie - if it hadn’t been for her, we probably would’ve just let you be completely, though it was a close call with all of the questions she had been asking about you at that point. She was only nine at the time, but she was -- a curious one,” Buck’s Dad finishes with a chuckle and Buck can hear --

He can’t hear anything but the sound of his own heart beating furiously against his ribcage as he furrows his brows and stares at his Dad in shock, his eyes continuing to water, his mouth dropping open.

“Wha--” he begins, turning towards Maddie, Maddie who won’t look at him, her own eyes wet.

“I’m -- I’m adopted?” Buck whispers, his entire body slumping forward as his Mom snorts. Buck’s mouth drops open once more as another sob wracks through his entire body and he finds himself curling inwards, his arms wrapping around his waist as he looks at his parent’s and then Maddie, lips trembling and body shaking.

“Do get over it, dear, his Mom scoffs and Buck -- Buck can’t take it anymore. Without a second thought he finds himself standing up and heading towards the front door of Chimney’s home, throwing it open and heading wildly towards his jeep, ignoring the way Maddie is yelling his name as she follows him as fast as she can.

Just as he’s about to shut the door to his jeep, she grabs onto the side, holding it opened, shouting his name as Buck turns towards her.

“Did you know?” He asks, eyes wide. He watches as Maddie looks away and closes her eyes briefly before nodding, looking back at him.

“I knew you were adopted - hard not to, when Mom showed up with a baby and she hadn’t been pregnant. But I  _ swear _ I didn’t know that they had no plans on adopting you, Buck. I promise you,” Maddie sobs and Buck lets out a scoff, shaking his head.

“Why didn’t you--” Buck begins gasping and he can hear Maddie sob in response.

“Because it didn't matter to me Buck. You are my brother, no matter what,” Maddie replies and Buck looks at her long and hard, frowning before shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel, doesn’t know if he should believe Maddie or not so he looks at her hands, keeping the door open before looking back at her.

“I need time, Maddie. Right now I have no idea who the fuck I am. Which means I can’t deal with your guilty conscience right now. Can I go?” He asks, pursing his lips as Maddie whimpers, opening her mouth before closing it and nodding, stepping away from the jeep. He doesn’t think, just starts his car and backs out of the driveway before driving away - not sure where to go.

* * *

He ends up driving home, knowing he needs to get some sleep before his next shift at the station, but all he does is toss and turn, anger and hurt coursing through his system. He can’t sleep, too busy thinking about everything that’s happened before eventually, he gets out of his bed and ends up in his bathroom.

Staring at himself in the mirror, Buck rests his hands lightly on the sink in front of him, breathing heavily. Who is he, if he’s not a Buckley? It’s obvious his mother - his birth mother - didn’t want him, if his parents -- his -- if they found him on the side of the road as a baby. No one ever wants him, everyone always leaves.

It’s his fucking life story, he thinks with a scowl. He hates himself right now. Hates that he’s never been good enough for anyone to stay. 

Without a second thought he slams his fist into the mirror, shattering the middle of it immediately before he takes a step back. There’s so many images of himself now, and he hates himself even more, but he doesn’t do anything, just takes a look at his knuckles and the blood that is slowly trailing down his fingers, tiny shards of the mirror embedded in his knuckles before he decides he doesn’t want to deal with that, and closes his eyes.

He’s a fucking idiot, he thinks with a sob before he opens his eyes. He begins to clean up the wounds on his knuckles before deciding to head to his kitchen, tossing things around before he begins to stress bake, knowing he won’t be able to sleep, ignoring the pain in his knuckles.

He gets lost in the motions, blinking as he remembers that this was something he used to watch his Mom and Maddie do together before eventually, Maddie and him would do it. He has to pause at that, has to take a deep breath because the pain hurts too much, everything is still too fresh, he thinks, briefly closing his eyes and counting to five.

It’s late, but he doesn’t think anything of it as he grabs his phone and shoots a text to Dr. Copeland, asking if they can have another session relatively soon. He knows she won’t be able to reply for hours because it’s  _ late _ , but the idea is out there, and that’s all Buck needs to move forward with the baking.

Eventually, the sun rises and Buck -- Buck lets out a frustrated breath before he showers, getting ready for his next shift at work, grabbing a few work out clothes because he knows he’s going to be heading towards the boxing bags in the gym that the station provides.

Eventually, Buck can’t continue to procrastinate, and there’s nothing else to bake, so he ends up heading to work early, arriving before anyone else on his shift does, and he heads towards the gym area, changing quickly before he begins to box. He doesn’t know how much time he’s down there, doesn’t notice anyone coming or going, just focuses on the bag in front of him, his anger, and the sweat dripping down his body the longer he boxes.

It takes him a few minutes to realize Eddie is standing against one of the beams, watching him, and Buck can’t help but frown before he lets out a small frustrated grunt. Eddie looks good - he’s wearing a short-sleeved shirt and shorts, something Buck rarely sees him wear, and he finds himself losing concentration as he thinks about Eddie and how he currently looks. After a minute, he lets out another huff of breath before grabbing hold of the boxing bag and looking at Eddie with an arched eyebrow.

“I tried calling you earlier this morning, but I never received a response.” Eddie says, stepping forward. “And then Chimney called me,” he adds and Buck scowls, looking away from Eddie and slumping forward.

“And I’m guessing he told you what happened?” Buck asks after a minute, frowning when Eddie shakes his head to signify no.

“He told me I should check on you. That something happened last night but he said it was up to you to tell me. It was quite smart of him, actually, because usually he doesn’t think of those types of consequences,” Eddie adds and Buck slumps forward once more.

Buck is thankful for Chimney because Eddie is right, normally the other man would share gossip like he was on fire. And this time, he didn’t.

“What else did he say?” Buck asks, letting go of the bag before continuing to punch it, frown still on his face.    
  
“Nothing. Just that something happened, and I should check in on you since we’re best friends, and that if I wanted to know more, I should ask you,” Eddie replies, stepping closer and taking hold of the bag, stopping Buck from continuing his movements. Buck stares for a few minutes before scowling, stepping away from the bag and ---

“Can we go literally, anywhere else to talk about this?” He asks, eyes wide and Buck watches Eddie as Eddie watches him before nodding, and without a second thought, Buck turns around and heads towards the locker room, entering it in a flurry and then grabbing his shower stuff from his locker before sitting on the bench. Eddie follows suit, though he grabs his actual clothes since Buck doesn’t think he worked out hard enough and Buck remains quiet for a few minutes, watching his best friend, not sure what to say.

“Buck,” Eddie begins and Buck shakes his head letting out another breath.

“My parents---” Buck begins before stopping, looking down and tapping out a rhythm on his knee before continuing, “My parents are not my parents,” he says after a minute, shrugging his shoulders.

He sees Eddie freeze, his eyes widening and his mouth dropping in open, and Buck chuckles.

“Yeah, that was sort of my reaction too,” Buck says, shaking his head, eyes beginning to water once again. With a sardonic chuckle, Buck wipes at his eyes and shakes his head, doing his best to take deep breaths so he doesn’t end up sobbing in the middle of work.

“But do you want to know the worst thing Eds?” Buck asks, turning towards his best friend, wiping at his eyes once more even though it’s futile.

“What?” Eddie asks, scooching closer to him on the bench, his arm wrapping around Buck’s shoulders and squeezing. Buck leans into the comforting touch, blinking the tears away with a shake of his head.

"They never wanted me Eddie!" Buck sobs, "They had no plans on adopting me. They found me on the side of the road in the middle of the storm and had plans on putting me in an orphanage, or a homeless shelter, or probably a fucking church, but because of the storm, they had no choice but to adopt me because -- I don’t fucking know? They told me they had been stuck with me!" Buck finishes, continuing to sob, following Eddie’s arms as the other man brings him in to hug him, his hand resting on the back of Buck’s head.

Buck hates himself for breaking down like this, especially at work, but he’s in Eddie’s arms and he feels safe - safe in a way that only Eddie can provide. He’s thankful though, that the locker room door was closed and the windows are frosted because -- he really didn’t want anyone to see him like this.

“It’s going to be okay Buck,” Eddie whispers as Buck continues to sob into Eddie’s shoulder, shaking his head. He doesn’t know how long he stays there like that, doesn’t -- doesn’t pay attention to how much time has passed but eventually he pulls away, wiping his eyes and sniffling.

“I always felt like I never fit in with them, you know? And I always wondered why they didn’t appear to love me like they did Maddie,” Buck says, curling his arms around his stomach, looking down.

“Now I know, I guess,” he adds with a shrug of his shoulders, Eddie frowning in thought. Buck wonders what he’s thinking but he doesn’t get to press the thought, not when Eddie runs his fingers through Buck’s hair and Buck finds himself closing his eyes and moaning softly, his head falling forward to rest on Eddie’s shoulders again.

“I’m sorry, Buck,” Eddie whispers, and Buck can feel the other man kiss the top of his head and Buck -- Buck hums, nearly sucking back a breath at the contact before eventually, Buck pulls away again.

“It sucks,” Buck whispers with a snort, shaking his head, “And worse, Maddie knew. She was old enough - she’s nine years older than me, you know? So she knew and I just --” Buck trails off here, shaking his head. He can hear Chimney and Bobby in the one of the rooms, and he’s thankful the alarm hasn’t gone off yet because he still needs to shower but ---

“Yeah, it sucks. But we’re here for you. I’m here for you, alright?” Eddie says, and Buck nods, blinking slowly at Eddie, ignoring the way his heart beats and stomach flutters, before he steps away and heads towards the showers to freshen up.

* * *

The rest of the day runs by slowly for Buck, especially since the calls they receive are few and far between, something that rarely happens for the 118. Normally Buck would enjoy that but today of all days, Buck really needed something to happen because all he could really focus on was the fact that his parents weren’t his parents, Maddie had betrayed him by knowing and he had too many emotions, thoughts and energy running through him to stay still in one spot.

Alas there was next to no calls that happened, and Buck was stuck with all of this angry energy running through him, to the point that when his shift ended -- Buck had the disastrous idea to go back to Chimney’s and  _ really  _ confront his parents.

Before he could though, his phone was ringing with Dr. Copeland’s name appearing on the screen and Buck -- Buck couldn’t stop himself from letting out a small relieved breath, pulling his car over and accepting the call.

“Evan, I’m glad I caught you. Your text seemed urgent,” Dr. Copeland said softly and Buck - Buck nodded, his eyes watering once more.

“I uh - saw my parents last night. It did not go well,” Buck says, sucking on the inside of his cheek briefly as he tries not to start tearing up again.

“What happened?” Dr. Copeland asked and Buck knows he should call her by her first name - it’s something she had suggested he do in their first session, whenever he was comfortable, but even in his mind, he’s not super comfortable doing it, and --

Buck takes a small breath, shaking his head before chuckling and rubbing his face with his free hand.

“They admitted that I was adopted. And that they had no plan of adopting me,” Buck says slowly, shaking his head while Dr. Copeland frowns, shifting on her end.

“How did they come out and talk about it with you?” Dr. Copeland asks and Buck snorts, looking away.

“In anger. They didn’t like the fact that I was talking about how I was affected by my job, and what happened, and that I was seeing a therapist to help myself out.” Buck begins, frowning once more before letting out a soft sigh.

Slowly, he begins to tell the entire story, remembering what it was his parents had said, how he had reacted and most importantly, how he had tried to remain calm and use the tips Dr. Copeland had given him, priding himself on remembering them at all.

When he ends the call, he feels a little better but not completely, and as his fingers tighten around the steering wheel it takes a moment to start his jeep once more before making his way to his home, deciding not to confront his parents just yet.

* * *

They’re on another call, and Buck and Eddie are working through the blazing heat of a warehouse. The call was a five alarm fire, something dangerous and Buck is trying his best to focus on placing his foot carefully, one step in front of him, watching for any give away on the floor that he can see.

He can see Eddie slightly ahead of him, and Buck has every plan of following him until he hears someone and finds himself frowning. Carefully he yells for his best friend taking a step and taking note of where he is before rushing towards the sight of a figure in front of him. Eyeing his path carefully Buck can see that if he steps on the staircase, he can make his way towards the man, so he does, briefly wondering where the hell Eddie went before he notices Chim in front of him on the ground.

Buck is lucky enough to have Chim notice him and nod his head and he slowly makes his way over to the stairs, helping the other person that’s across from him step away from the water tower that was inside. Bringing the kid to safety is slow going, and Buck can’t help but wonder why the guy was even in the warehouse in the first place, wondering why he decided to get involved before he shakes the thoughts away, taking another step and then realizing that Chim is shouting, and Eddie is running, and he does his best to hurry the other guy up.

Not sure how long he has, Buck presses the button on his talky and quickly --

“I’ve got the last victim, but I’m trapped!” He shouts before pushing the guy towards the door and watching him as he exits the building that begins to blaze hotter than before - and then he realizes that that the stairs he are on are falling --

That he’s falling, and there’s nothing to stop him from hitting the water tank. His eyes widen and Buck can feel himself hit the tower, can feel himself falling, and knowing he only has a few seconds -- and next thing he knows --

Is blackness.

* * *

_ He’s cold, he thinks. He’s cold, and he can feel the wind through his hair, and he can’t help but frown as he looks around, wondering what the hell he’s doing in Montana. This was not what he wanted to do when he came here. Looking down, he finds himself blinking, because he recognizes the fact that he’s in a field, and he’s wearing a cowboy hat and -- _

_ He can feel he’s sitting on the first car he’s ever bought, a moment of pride coursing through him as he looks back at it, a smile on his face. _

_ He’s in Montana, wearing a cowboy hat and -- this is a modelling gig. He didn’t come to Montana for modelling, but it’s not a bad thought, and the money -- the money is better than he thought. There’s a photographer in front him, giving him directions that he follows, the mountains and a small lake behind him and he can’t help but feel -- _

_ Free. _

_ Afterwards, he asks the photographer for a copy of the photo, planning to send it to Maddie, even though he hasn’t heard back from her in so long. _

* * *

_ Waking up, he blinks, recognizing the white walls of the hospital. He lets out a groan and shifts, not sure why he’s in the hospital but then there’s a shooting pain coursing through his arm and looking towards it, he blinks once more. _

_ His arm is in a cast. He doesn’t -- _

_ Before he can think any further on why he’s in the hospital and his arm is in a cast, a nurse comes through the room, and Buck finds himself blinking. _

_ “Hi sweetheart, are you alright?” The nurse asks and Buck frowns, shrugging. _

_ “What am I doing here?” He asks, biting the inside of his cheek as he shifts. _

_ “You were brought in by a teacher - apparently you broke your arm in gym class, and your parents never picked up their phones,” The nurse says and Buck opens his mouth in surprise, a soft ‘oh’ escaping from him. _

_ “Are my parents here?” He asks smiling, but it falls when the nurse looks at him with a look of pity. _

_ “I’m afraid not. You’ve been here a couple of days and we didn’t even know who you were until earlier today when your sister called,” _

_ “Oh,” Buck says curling around the pillow he has. _

_ Okay,” he whispers. _

* * *

_ He’s hot. So damn hot. He’s wearing his work uniform, and there’s oil all around him, and he absolutely hates being here. There’s someone taking photos for some sort of survey and he’s annoyed but he can’t do anything about it because his parents will kill him. But then a photo of him is taken, and he’s even more annoyed, because he knows he’s making a face, but -- _

_ He keeps the photo when it comes out, sends it to Maddie on a whim because he misses his sister since she moved away to be with Doug. _

* * *

_ This wasn’t supposed to happen, he thinks, as he sits in the emergency room, trying his best to not cry. He wasn’t even supposed to be working in the oil warehouse this long, had meant to be gone the moment he turned sixteen, even if it was running away but then -- _

_ His mom had suggested he stay until he was eighteen, told him she would up his paycheck and he really needed the money. _

_ Badly. _

_ But then he hadn’t counted on people being jealous or angry that he was working for the company that his parents owned, and he wasn’t counting on said people trying to kill him with oil, either. _

_ So he was in the emergency room on work leave because of work and -- he’d been here for hours, waiting. He had tried to call his parents, but they weren’t answering their phones. He tried to call Maddie because even though she was gone with Doug now, he hoped she would answer her phone but there was nothing. _

_ He watched as people moved through the queue, tears falling down his cheeks silently as he tried to breath through the pain and the feeling of being alone. _

* * *

_ He’s been away from his parents for so long, hasn’t heard from them in even longer, and it’s not something he minds, he thinks softly. He’s in South America, and it’s not the first place he’s been to since moving away from his family, but it is the one place where he feels like he can do anything he wants - do anyone he wants - and it won’t matter. _

_ He feels more free than he’s ever felt before, and as he takes in a deep breath of the ocean air, Buck lets out a small chuckle, closing his eyes briefly before he eyes the water in front of him. _

_ He has his surfboard next to him, and can see the waves beginning to grow as the sun rises, and Buck can feel something calm settle deep inside of him at the sight. He doesn’t have to be at work for another ten hours, just coming off a shift, and Buck -- _

_ Buck loves it. He loves being a bartender in South America, loves the fact that he has a home on the beach, though it’s not that big. Loves that he can be whomever, or whatever, and not worry about being judged. _

_ Loves that he can be open here. Without a second thought, Buck stands up from the sand, a grin on his face as he steps into the water with his surfboard, swimming out to sea with it before letting himself be one with the ocean. _

_ When he’s done and coming out of the water, he grins at the sight of his lover, an older man by the name of Ryszard, with a camera in his hand. _

_ He begins to run towards the man, his board in one hand before he raises his other arm to wave at Ryszard, grin on his face. He notices briefly that Ryszard has his camera up, can hear the shutter of it going off. _

_ “Hey,” he says, leaning forward to kiss the man, grinning when the kiss turns heated before they pull away and Buck grabs the photo, eyeing it. _

_ “Mind if I keep this?” He asks. He hasn’t heard from Maddie in forever, but he knows if she gets the image, she’d enjoy it. _

_ “Tak miłość,” Ryszard says and Buck frowns, going over everything Ryszard has taught him about the Polish language before realizing it’s a confirmation. _

_ “Thank you,” Buck replies, leaning forward and giving the man a kiss, laughing as he runs to his home, Ryszard laughing and chasing him. _

* * *

_ He’s tired, and he’s sore and his heart hurts. He should’ve known better, he thinks, as he looks over at the mirror in the bathroom of the hotel he’s staying in. He’s been travelling from South America for too long and the bruises are fading, but the cut lip is still sore. _

_ He should’ve realized Ryszard was married. But it’s not something he needs to worry about now, he thinks as he hears the bus say they’re stopping in Coronado. _

_ They’re stopping, and Buck is done running. He needs -- he doesn’t know what he needs, but he wants to do something new. Bartending has lost its lustre, and he has no plans on giving his heart out to anyone else anytime soon. He was lucky enough to find a room to rent before he had arrived in Coronado, so he leaves the bus station and hails one of the cabs waiting on the street, sprouting off his new address and stares at the buildings as the car passes by. _

_ It takes too long - Buck isn’t used to having to wait to get somewhere and he finds himself fidgeting as the car is idle in traffic, but he ignores the nervous energy coursing through him, grabbing his phone and taking a few photos with it, wide-eyed and grinning.  _

_ It isn’t until he feels the car stopping that he really begins to feel nervous. The house he’s in front of is rather large, but not large enough for him to feel like he’s back at home with his parents, using their money to get by. _

_ Paying the cab driver, Buck stares at the home before grabbing his bags, and then his camera - bought by Ryz… bought by his ex, and he takes a photo for Maddie, even though he’s sure she won’t respond back. She hasn’t in years, he thinks with a frown, shaking his head before he heads to the front door, opening it nervously, not sure what he’s stepping into. _

_ A few days later he has the phone number of a recruiter and he’s heading towards the nearest base. He’s tired, he thinks, as he snaps a quick photo to include in his recent letter he’ll be sending to Maddie, a letter that will go unanswered, like always. He has a false smile on as he looks at the photo, but he hopes it’s enough. _

_ He needs -- he needs something, though he doesn’t know what he needs. He’s hoping he finds it here, with the navy. _

* * *

_ “I’m sorry, son. But we need you to turn your emotions off.” _

_ “That’s not -- I can’t. My emotions are all I have. If I turn them off, who knows what’ll happen with me. Or to me.” _

_ “I’m sorry. The navy isn’t for everyone. Maybe try the firefighters.” _

* * *

_ He’s in LA now. He feels lost. He feels alone. He has no one. He paints a false smile for the photo for Maddie and then enters the home he is renting a room in. It’s filled with college students and part of him wants to turn around and find somewhere else, but it’s all he can afford right now. _

_ He needs a job and badly. _

_ Even more, he needs a place he feels like he belongs. _

* * *

_ Over the next four and a half months, Buck works hard to become a firefighter. It’s relatively easy - he uses his intelligence that he likes to pretend he doesn’t have, and he starts working out more proactively than before. _

_ He’s one of the top of his class, and he’s proud of himself for it. Briefly wishes his parents were around so he could metaphorically spit in their faces and say ha, look at me now. _

_ Instead, he takes photos of the academy, of his test results, of him grinning, the day he graduates for the letters he sends to his sister. _

* * *

_ When he joins the 118, he takes a photo of the station smiling softly. Slowly, he stops taking photos, but the first Christmas he spends in Los Angeles, he takes a photo of himself at one of the LAFD Toy Drives, grinning wide, hoping his sister is proud of him, wherever she is. _

_ He’s still insecure, still posing with a fake personality, not letting anyone see the real him, still -- _

_ Still pretending. _

_ He hates it, but he knows it’s what’s best.  _

_ So he continues to flirt, continues to fuck, continues to act like there’s no consequences. _

_ Until there is. _

* * *

_ And then Abby happens. _

_ And everything changes. _

_ And then Abby leaves, just like everyone always leaves him, and he puts the camera he had taken out as a surprise, away, letting it continue to gather dust. _

* * *

_ And then Maddie appears. _

_ And he meets Eddie. _

_ And everything changes again. _

* * *

Buck slowly opens his eyes, his head pounding. It takes him a few minutes to realize that everything hurts because he’s surrounded by white walls, and a small groan escapes from him. Buck feels more frustrated than anything because he knows immediately he’s in the hospital, and he  _ hates _ that. Hates it so fucking much. Not just because he’s in the hospital, but because he’s taking the spot of someone who actually needs the services the hospital provides, especially during the pandemic.

Moving slightly, Buck blinks when he spots Eddie sitting next to him. And then he blinks again because -- he should be alone. He’s always alone, when he’s in the hospital. It’s just a fact of life, he thinks. But also -- everyone is alone in the hospital to make sure nothing spreads but Eddie --

“Eddie?” he says, nudging the other man awake, arching his one eyebrow as Eddie flails around, surprised.

“Buck! Hey!” Eddie says, moving forward, running his fingers through Buck’s hair. Buck’s eyes nearly flutter shut at the touch but he blinks furiously to keep himself awake.

“What are you doing here, Eds?” Buck asks and he sees Eddie frown, and Buck shakes his head, doing his best to sit up, smiling when Eddie helps him.

“I don’t mean like you’re not wanted here. You are. I just mean because of the pandemic. You shouldn’t be here. Technically.” Buck says after getting comfortable.

“Oh yeah. Technically. But I did some pleading, pretended --” Eddie pauses here, shakes his head. “Let’s just say I got in. It helps, of course, that you’re supposed to be moved out of the room once you awake. You weren’t hurt too seriously, thankfully, just a concussion,” Eddie adds.

Buck hums in response, nodding before shifting once more. He opens his mouth, about to ask if Maddie had appeared but he stays quiet instead, letting out a soft sigh.

“I’m ready to leave. But --” Buck begins, frowning before looking at Eddie and then continuing, “Do you think you can drive me to Chimney’s? I want to talk to my parents one last time,” Buck says, pursing his lips when Eddie stares at him for a few minutes before nodding.

It takes a little while longer than Buck would like to get him out of the bed. The nurses don’t enter the room though Buck sees them hovering outside by the desk, but eventually Eddie and he exit and sign out completely before Eddie takes him to his car.

“So uh, what happened after I fell?” Buck asks once he sits inside the seat, groaning slightly in pain.

“Well, Chim called out for you and when you didn’t answer, I ended up freaking out a little bit. Like, screaming for you freaking out. Chim said it was similar to your reaction when I was in the well. But then Chim managed to get the guy you had pushed out of the building and Hen and Chim -- hauled your ass out of the warehouse, and then --” Eddie frowns and Buck watches him, shifting a little, curious.

“And then?” Buck asks, arching his eyebrow and tilting his head back a little.

“And then Bobby arrived,” Eddie says after a few minutes and Buck knows Eddie is lying but for now -- for now, he lets Eddie have his lie, not quite sure why his best friend would lie in the first place but not wanting to push it for now.

It’s quiet for the rest of the drive over to Chimney’s home and Buck gets more and more nervous the closer they get, his leg shaking up and down as Eddie drives. He can tell Eddie is watching him carefully, can tell that Eddie is worried about him but Eddie stays quiet and Buck -- Buck doesn’t know if he’s thankful for that or not. He wishes there was something to distract him but he feels like that there’s nothing that could successfully distract him right now anyways,

Eventually, Eddie pulls up to Chimney’s driveway and Buck -- Buck tenses. He can see his parents through the window but Chimney and Maddie are at work which means he’ll be on his own for this. He doesn’t know if he can do this alone.

Taking a deep breath, Buck is about to move to leave the car but before he can do so Eddie’s hand is on his thigh and Buck - Buck is blinking up at him, his entire body lighting up.

“Do you want me to go in there with you?” Eddie asks and Buck feels his entire body relax, a small smile forming on his face as he grabs Eddie’s hand and squeezes, lacing their fingers together.

“I don’t think you realize just how much I love you,” Buck chuckles and Eddie smiles, shifting a little. Buck hadn’t meant romantically, though he definitely means it in his mind, but Eddie is there, and his hands are on his face, and he’s leaning forward to kiss Buck, slow and soft and Buck finds himself falling even more in love.

“I don’t think you realize how long I’m willing to wait for you to realize I love you too,” Eddie whispers and Buck blinks, smiling in return. He had always hoped, always wished there had been something; had seen the signs but he had never been positive himself, not positive enough to make a move, even when Eddie discussed dating and moving in, Buck thinks. Not even during quarantine, when they kissed a whole lot and became closer than ever.

“Thank you. For the offer. But I think I need to do this myself,” Buck whispers, moving forward to kiss Eddie with a smile, his body tingling when Eddie hums, his fingers trailing down Buck’s arms, leaving goosebumps in his wake.

“Alright. I’ll be here, waiting,” Eddie whispers and Buck nods before getting out of Eddie’s car, closing the door carefully before slowly walking up the pathway to Chimney’s door, opening it with a quick inhale of breath.

His parents are on the couch in the living room and he can hear Albert somewhere, but there’s no one else and Buck finds himself thankful. Both of his parents - and he’s really going to have to remember that they’re  _ not _ \-- turn to look towards him and he knows immediately it’s going to be tough today. His Dad is scowling and his Mom --

They never wanted him Buck thinks. They felt stuck with him. And it’s then that he realizes that they’re not his parents, that the reason he tried to get them to notice him, to love him, was because they checked out with him. They were Maddie’s parents, but because they never wanted him, they never tried with him. There’s a stabbing pain inside of his chest, briefly, but it’s then in that moment that he decides not to call his parents by Mom or Dad, or parents.

Instead --  _ Richard _ . He thinks. His not-Dad is Richard and his not-Mom is  _ Genevieve _ , he adds mentally to himself, scowling.

“What are you doing here, Evan?” Richard asks as Genevieve sniffs in disdain and Buck lets out a small scoff, beginning to pace, folding his arms in front of his chest in frustration. He watches the two, and he knows his emotions are clear on his face for anyone who cared to know him in his life.

“You now, all my life, I never understood why you didn’t love me,” Buck begins, taking a deep breath as he turns slightly to look at his pa--- Richard and Genevieve. He can see that by the way they’re sitting, they’re uncomfortable with this conversation and Buck finds a thrill of vindication course through him before he takes another breath.

He knows that feeling vindicated isn’t what he needs to be feeling right now, that that isn’t the point of this visit. But he can’t help it - not right now.

It takes a few minutes for Buck to clear his thoughts, for him to look at Richard and Genevieve and do his best not to let his anger and hurt ruin his thoughts. He practices a few breathing techniques, practices a few other tips in his head that Dr. Copeland had given him earlier on before he turned towards them once more.

“I didn’t understand why everything I did was looked down upon by you two. I didn’t understand why you didn’t give me the same amount of love or comfort you gave Maddie - why you made her raise me instead of the two of you. There were so many things I didn’t understand growing up. Like why you were never around for birthdays, or science tests, or my soccer games. Why you would never arrive at hospitals when I was hurt. And no matter how hard I tried to earn your love and respect -- you just never let me. You made me feel like I couldn’t be free, and like --”

“Evan, enough,” Genevieve snaps her eyes narrowed and Buck laughs, shaking his head.

“See, like that. You never respected me. I don’t know how many times I’ve told you my name is  _ Buck _ ,” Buck snaps, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. He’s told his -- them -- relentlessly that he prefers Buck, ever since he was a teenager. 

And they never fucking listened, Buck thinks with a scowl. That really should’ve been his first clue.

“Evan, stop pacing and sit down. You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” Richard adds, a scowl on his own face that has Buck turning furiously towards the other man.

“A big deal out of  _ nothing _ ?” Buck says, his voice still and the timber low. It’s just another sign that the people who took credit for raising him don’t know him worth shit because everyone knows that when his voice gets like that it means he’s on the way to becoming real angry.

“Yes, nothing. So what if we weren’t there for soccer games, or school contests and science tests,” Genevieve snorts, eyes widening when Buck growls lightly.

“ _ Nothing I ever did was good enough! _ ” Buck says, voice raised, his statement punctuated with the movements of his arms and hands, his face transforming into anger. He’s trying so hard not to cry his eyes rimmed with red as he continues to pace, scowling, shaking, feeling like he can’t breathe. He has to remember the techniques Dr. Copeland suggested, has to try and find a way to calm himself down.

It takes a few minutes before he turns back towards the two others with a scoff.

“I always wanted you to love me. Even if you didn’t want me, even if you got  _ stuck _ with me” Buck spits out contemptuously, shaking his head before continuing, “I never understood why you didn’t grow to love me. I did everything your way. I tried to be the perfect son. And nothing was ever good enough,” He finishes with a chuckle, sitting on one of the armchairs Chimney has and placing his head in his hands.

“But you two? You never even fucking tried,” Buck says with a shake of his head. "You siphoned the parenting onto Maddie and then acted like rich white people who no longer needed to care about raising a child even though Maddie was still only 9 when you found me. And yet you come here, and you tell me to calm down, that I’m being irrational, that nothing is as bad as I’m making it seem and --” Buck stops here, takes another deep breath and counts to five when he hears Richard mutter something under his breath.

He doesn’t care. Not anymore.

“And I’m done trying to live up to your expectations, to reach them to make you proud. I’m not your son? The idea fucking hurts but you made that abundantly clear years ago. I don’t need your acceptance, not when I have my own family,” Buck finishes with a shake of his head, thinking about Maddie and Chimney, and the 118 and then Eddie and Chris, and how he sees Chris as his own, loves him with his whole entire being. Buck can’t help but scoff, turning around from the living room and Richard and Genevieve, leaving the home and heading back towards the car, his entire body relaxing as a small grin forms on his face.

By the time he makes it back to Eddie’s car, he feels like he’s taken a huge step forward - not only in figuring out who he is, but how he can share what he’s feeling without any consequences he fears.

* * *

The next day finds Buck sitting on the couch in his apartment, the television on but he’s not really paying attention to it. He looks at his knuckles, healing from when he punched his bathroom mirror a few days ago.

Has it really been a few days, he thinks? Everything that’s happened - Buck feels so lost. He feels like he still doesn’t know who he is, doesn’t know what to do next, and he can begin to feel himself spiraling. Something that’s never been a good thing for him, because it usually ends up in him leaving, he thinks, before his eyes jolt to his front door, and the knocking.

With a soft sigh Buck stands up and heads towards his front door opening it prepared to tell whoever is there to  _ leave _ \- until he sees it’s his sis -- Maddie. Opening his mouth, still tempted to tell her to leave, which hurts, Buck stops when he takes in the briefcase in Maddie’s arms, resting on the swell of her belly.

“Maddie--” Buck begins only to stop when Maddie forces her way inside and sits down on his couch, patting the free spot next to her as she places the briefcase on the table he has.

“What---”

“Let me talk,” Maddie says and Buck nods, his heart pounding inside of his chest, not quite sure what’s going on and  _ hating it _ .

“You being adopted was never a big thing for me Buck. I was nine, and I pretty much had to raise you but I  _ loved _ you. I still love you. You’re my brother, even if it’s not in blood.” Maddie says and Buck opens his mouth before closing it when Maddie gives him one of her patented looks.

“When I was with Doug, you sent me letters and photos. Do you remember them?” Maddie asks and Buck nods. There were probably hundreds, he thinks, over the years. Usually when he was feeling incredibly happy, or there was a big moment he was experiencing that he wanted her to experience with him.

“I never responded to them because of Doug, but those letters and photos? Those were my highlights in my marriage, Buck. I looked forward to seeing them, to finding out what was going on in your life. I would imagine I was there with you a lot of the time, and that it was the two of us against the world,” Maddie chuckles, wiping at her eyes, which Buck notices are wet.

“They were everything to me, Buck. You’re everything to me. And even if we’re not related by blood, you’re still my brother. I don’t care what Richard and Genevieve Buckley believe. You’re a Buckley just as much as I am. And I need you to remember that, and accept that, at least on my end.” Maddie says and Buck watches as she opens the briefcase and turns it towards him.

He blinks before he sits down next to Maddie, his hand moving to the briefcase. Buck is in awe, because every letter and every photo he had ever sent Maddie is inside the briefcase - from when he modelled in Montana, to when he was a surfing bartender in South America.

Every moment of his past lives are in this briefcase, on display for him. He realizes then that -- Maddie is right. He’s always going to be a Buckley, even if the Buckley parents didn’t want that for him. He’s experienced life is own way, went out into the world and had fun and --

A small chuckle escapes from him, and then a small sob which quickly escalates into fast sobs, Maddie’s arms wrapping around him. Buck doesn’t know how long he cries for, too lost in the fact that there’s been so many changes in his life the past few days, the fact that he doesn’t know where to go from here, that --

“Everything’s going to be alright, Buck. I’m here for you, okay?” Maddie whispers, running her fingers through Buck’s hair. He’s calming down, and he sniffles as he pulls away from his sister because she  _ is _ his sister, after everything they’ve been through, there’s no doubt about that.

“I’m sorry I was --”

“Don’t even. It’s understandable. You’ve been through so much Buck. I just wanted to be there for you,” Maddie whispers and Buck wraps his arms around Maddie, slowly sniffling once again.

“I love you, Mads. I’m sorry I almost forgot that in my angst,” Buck replies with a small chuckle as Maddie kisses the top of his head, nodding before she stands up.

“I need to get going. I told Chimney I was getting food for dinner,” Maddie says and Buck chuckles once more, standing up with her and walking her to his door.

“Look through the photos Buck. Remember who you are, and who you’ve grown to be. I’m so proud of you, alright?” Maddie whispers, kissing his forehead when Buck nods, a small smile on his face before he walks Maddie through the door.

Buck heads back to his couch picking up a few of the photos in the briefcase, alongside some of the letters, a small smile growing as he reads through them and looks at his memories. There’s been so many - and so much time has passed, but each photo unlocks something inside of him that clicks into place in the knowledge of who he is.

And then he comes across the photo that Ryszard had taken and his heart stops. He looks so happy, Buck thinks, a small smile on his face. He remembers how in love he had been with Ryz, remembers how important that relationship was for him.

He had been wholly in love with the older man, his age be damned. He had learned Polish for him, had fallen head over heels in love. And then he had learned Ryszard was married and -- that hadn’t sat well with Buck. 

He had been destroyed, emotionally finding out that Ryz had only been using Buck for sex, that everything he had ever been told by the other man had been a lie. Buck had put his heart in a god damn box, and then a cage, and then a fucking lock on the cage so no one could ever get to know the real him, or hurt him ever again the way Ryszard had.

Except, Buck realizes, someone  _ had _ gotten through. Two someone’s, actually. Blinking, Buck looks around his apartment, notices the sun setting, and lets the image fall to the briefcase.

He has a real home to go to, he realizes, a smile forming on his face.

* * *

When he opens the door to Eddie’s home - his home, if he’s being honest - he can’t help the grin that forms when Eddie calls out his name in confusion.

“What are you doing here?” Eddie asks, his head tilted in thought as Buck steps inside, closing the door with a soft sigh.

“I wanted to apologize,” Buck whispers, stepping out of his shoes and towards the couch, sitting next to Eddie who is now frowning.

“What for?” Eddie asks.

“Making you wait. Being hot and cold, unsure, take your pick,” Buck responds with a shrug of his shoulders. He watches Eddie as the man shifts towards him, places his hand on his shoulder and squeezes.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Buck. It was...so sudden. We hadn’t even started properly dating when the pandemic hit, and then I was moving in with you and Chim and --”

“No, it wasn’t that. When you asked me to move in with you completely, I was all down for that. I just let my insecurities get the best of me,” Buck whispers, closing his eyes briefly before moving to sit closer to Eddie, lacing their fingers together.

“I was scared that I would mess up, or you would leave, or something about us would turn out so wrong that it would fundamentally ruin us,” Buck says, biting the inside of his lip before letting out a soft sigh.

“But then Maddie came over with all of the photos and letters I had sent her when I was travelling and I found one of the photos that --” Buck pauses here, looking at Eddie before forging forward.

“Ryszard had taken the photo,” Buck says and Eddie’s eyes widen, knowing exactly who that is to Buck and what that means.

“And then what?” Eddie whispers.

“And then I remembered this promise I made to myself, after he hurt me. To never let anyone hurt me again like he did. And I’m thinking about that promise, and the fact that I had locked my heart up behind a box, cage and lock and key and realized that -- you had already wormed your way in. You and Chris,” Buck whispers, smiling, squeezing Eddie’s hand as the other man hums.

“And I realized that every fear I had about you and me and us was just that - a fear. An unsubstantiated one, at that,” Buck chuckles, shaking his head.

“You make me --” He begins, pausing as he tries to find the words. Before he can though Eddie is leaning forward, kissing him, and Buck finds himself getting lost in the kiss, just like he did when they were together at the beginning of the pandemic.

Eventually, Eddie pulls away with a grin resting his forehead against Buck’s, his hands resting around Buck’s neck.

“Is this your long winded way of saying you’ll gladly move in with me?” Eddie asks and Buck grins, nodding.

“I love you, Eddie. I’ve loved you for so damn long and I’m tired of letting fear and insecurities stop me from going further in my life.” Buck admits, kissing Eddie once more. He can hear Eddie chuckle in between kisses, but eventually, Eddie pulls away once again.

“I love you too, Buck. I’m always going to love you. And I wasn’t lying when I said I would always wait for you.” Eddie whispers and Buck smiles.

“Well, thankfully, you don’t have to wait any longer. I’m done, Eddie. I love you. I’m ready to share that with the world. And I’m ready to be your boyfriend, and hopefully, in the future, a second Dad to Chris,” Buck whispers and the grin on Eddie’s face --

Buck knows he’s made the right decision - just like he knows who he is now.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed the story. Please leave a comment, as I always respond to them and reading them makes my day, and makes me very happy. You can also very much yell at me on my [tumblr](https://siriuslyjamie.tumblr.com/ask). In fact, please do yell at me, especially about this story, 9-1-1 and buddie in general. If I missed any triggers or warnings, please let me know immediately. Lastly, thank you to everyone who helped me with this story, whether it be via cheering on or listening to me rant or helping me with certain things. It means a lot.


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